you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
