Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
