I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
