i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
