My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
