my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
