There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
