New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
