Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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