Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
