i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
