Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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