i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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