I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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