my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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