do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize