The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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