david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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