i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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