hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
