i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
