how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
