guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
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His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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