I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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