I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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