i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
