i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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