I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
