we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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