I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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