This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
