your parents love me but you hate me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
