Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
