I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
