you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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