I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
