Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
