its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
