I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
