I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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