I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
