Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
