After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
