From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
