I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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