5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
