I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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