his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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