So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
