I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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