I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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