If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
