I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize