What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize