Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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