Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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