Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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