Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
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