she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
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