there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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